The Peanut Butter Sandwich (part 7)

The metal detector I ordered my son 

Back in the ICU things were not going well.  I didn't know how serious it was though.  I thought I would be there for a week or two at most and then transferred back to hematology for full recovery.  Again, my family could not visit.  They had to stay outside the glass.  The only people allowed in were the nurses, doctors, and one very kind janitor. 

Let me tell you about this man.  Let me tell you how God used him to speak to me.  Now, you may say this is simple.  You may think I am reading too much into something so small.  But. God.  But. I know.  But. He will use whomever He pleases.  And THIS is what He did for me:

I wanted a peanut butter sandwich.  That's all.  That's it.  I LOVE peanut butter sandwiches.  I ate one everyday through elementary and high school.  This is what I was craving.  The food trays at the hospital are not the best.  We all know that.  Well, this man who came into my room everyday to clean, over heard me telling my mother how I wanted a peanut butter sandwich.  He looked at me and said, "Lyndsey, I will make sure you have a peanut butter sandwich on every food tray that comes to you."  At that, he waltzed down to the kitchens and adjusted my food order to have this glorious yummy little sandwich.  Oh, how happy I was!  Who knew something so small could mean so much??  This act.  This one little kind act, showed me I was loved.  

If you are wondering why that is a big deal, then let me tell you..

Throughout my adult life I have never had much confidence.  I felt beat down and unworthy.  I had relationships and words spoken to me and over me that reinforced this narrative.  I struggled with being lovable.  I was never enough.  That's what I felt.  I didn't realize how deeply I felt this until I entered the hospital.  I struggled with my weight for years.  This fed into my self image that I was not worthy of love.  I fell for the lie that I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, and have a certain career in order to be considered worthy of affection.  I had strived for years to lose weight, thinking ultimately that once I hit my goal I would be loved.  It was hard.  I had five children.  Pregnancy takes its toll.  Not sleeping for years, takes its toll.  I never hit my goals.  Life always got in the way.  As a result, I knew I was not worthy of being properly loved and cared for.  

But...this peanut butter sandwich happened.  I did not understand why a man who did not know me, who's job was simply to clean my room would go out of his way to do this for me?  

Why??

I felt loved.  I felt cared for.  How could this stranger do something so kind for me?  How could these nurses genuinely take care of me?  Why were they talking about how invested they were in seeing me get better? They tended to me with such bother and tenderness that my brain had a hard time computing.  Wasn't I fat?  Wasn't I stupid?  Wasn't I not worthy of being a human being? Maybe it was because it was their job.  Ah, yes!  That must be it.  They only cared because of their reward - payday.  BUT this man. This janitor.  He didn't get paid to make sure I had a sandwich on my plate.  He didn't get paid to ask me how I was, and talk with me while he worked.  He did it because he actually cared.  

And THIS my friend, is how God showed me I am worthy of being loved and cared for.  That what truly matters is not what I look like on the outside.  Not the credentials I hold from a university, or how much money I make; but what my heart looks like.  That is what mattered.  And God used this man so I would know it.  I now knew the TRUTH.  I was allowed to be loved.  I was allowed to be liked.  I was allowed to be taken care of.  All that other none sense that filled my head was just lies.  Lies I had bought into.  But no more.  God fixed that message, and He gave me a new one.

Guess you never thought a peanut butter sandwich could say so much did you?