Physiotherapy had commenced. I was being seen a couple times a day and they were attempting to prepare me to eventually transition out of the ICU. However, a few things the doctors told me and my family: my left lung was completely pooched and they had no hope that it would recover. Could I possibly get a lung transplant? Nope, it would be considered a "waste" on me! Seems harsh doesn't it? After all, I was only 39. You'd think if they could give a lung to anyone it would be a young mom with five kids! But not me. I had just defeated stage 4 non-hodgkin's lymphoma. They deem this an incurable cancer, (something they can only put to "sleep"), so in their eyes it made no sense to waste a lung on me. I get it. That's okay. I have Jesus. I have 100% faith that I will never see that cancer again - more on why I believe this later!
But back to their prognosis for the future me:
My left lung was pooched. I would never get off oxygen or breath on my own again. I may not even be able to walk again. They weren't even too sure if I had any permanent brain damage. And my heart was still unsettled and not stabilizing. My resting heard rate was between 135-150 beats per minute. Pretty darn high!
Seems pretty daunting. Seems pretty negative. Seems like they were setting me up to accept failure.
That's okay. I have Jesus.
I had to simply take it day by day and trust in the Lord.
During this time I discovered my now favourite Christian worship artist, Stephen McWhirter. His voice is so raw and you can feel the love he has for God when he sings and worships. I listened to his song Jehovah Rapha on repeat.
When I couldn't walk. When I couldn't raise my hands in worship. When I couldn't breath on my own unassisted, my heart worshiped along side this man's voice. My spirit relished in the delight of the Lord. I took refuge in Him (Jesus) and He filled me with His peace. I felt no fear. I felt no concern. I felt no worry about my future. I simply rested in the worship of my Lord. That was exactly what I needed to do at a time where my prognosis looked so grim. God saved me. He saved my life for a reason. I was at the edge of death and He brought me back to life. There was a reason, and I had to trust in Him to find out why. Even if my future looked different from my past, I needed to trust that God had a plan.
Psalm 34: 8
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."
So if you're suffering. If you are facing something that seems insurmountable, simply look to Jesus and trust in Him. You may not feel Him. You may not hear from Him at that moment, or in every circumstance, but trust in Him because even when we feel detached from God, He is still there. And He has a plan. Replenish your faith. Lean in closer when you feel distant. Seek and let Him lead you. Open your bible. Read His word. Worship Him. Play your favourite worship song. Sing. Praise Him. And during the times of famine, of loneliness, of distance, you will begin to understand the peace only He can bring.
Deuteronomy 4:29
"But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for Him with all your heart and soul, you will find him."
Jeremiah 29:13
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
Isaiah 43:1-2
"I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When I pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;"
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