Oh boy! I could not walk. I could not talk. What was I to do? I lay there at the mercy of others. My sole survival rested on those around me. I had a feeding tube, I was still hooked up to the ventilator through the trach, and I was still being pumped full of copious amounts of medications. It was not a fun time. I was in extreme pain all the time. The worst of it was the trach. Oh how I hated that thing! It was so painful and uncomfortable. I've never felt anything as horrible. It began to feel as though they would keep me hooked up to it forever! It caused me irritation, pain, and I constantly coughed with no reprieve. My chest was always aching, and I still could not breathe on my own. In addition to that my legs and my ankles ached something awful. It felt as though my bones were collapsing. No amount of pain medication or re-adjustment to my position helped ease the agony I felt. I think what I was experiencing was drop foot. Very painful. Very not good. In addition to that they were VERY VERY swollen. In fact, every part of me was very swollen! I was experiencing massive water retention. I had edema, and not just in my feet.
Not my feet, but I would have loved if they had looked this good!
Well, it wasn't just my feet. My face was huge too. I had what they call "moon face" from prolonged use of steroids and prednisone over the past several months. Let's just say, I didn't look like me. Of course, I didn't know I didn't look like me until weeks later, and when I saw me -- wow! I was not impressed! It was a tad disheartening to see what I now looked liked. It was also concerning to me as I didn't know if I would ever return to my old self. My body sagged. Every inch of me sagged. Remember, I literally have no muscles at this point. I couldn't even roll over, or lift my arm more than a couple inches from the bed. My body had massively changed on the inside and out. I looked like I had lost 400 lbs and had a bunch of loose skin that needed to be removed. Remember in another post how I told you I struggled with my self image and God used those around me to show me I am loved regardless of what I looked like? Well, this was another lesson I was going to learn - again. Did I learn it the first time around? Yep, I did. I now knew that I was worthy to be loved. God made sure of that. But I am human, and I can (unfortunately) be a little thick headed at times. Now I had to learn that it was not my outside beauty that made me, me; but it was what the Lord put inside me that made who I am. Yep, it's the heart that matters. Pretty faces are nice and all...but if you have an ugly heart, that pretty face won't do much good. And how do you get a pretty heart? Jesus. He can change you, and affect others around you. Try it! Try Jesus! I promise He won't disappoint!
Me (right) with my pre-coma "pretty face" and my sister (left) Christmas 2022
Me with my post-coma face
So as you can see, I had a lot going on. A lot to deal with, and none of which I wanted to. The most dark time of this whole journey happened when I was back in the ICU recovering from the coma. It was the trach. I told you how much I hated that thing. I told you how painful it was. What I didn't tell you is I was ready to let go. I was ready to leave this earth. I wanted to be with Jesus. I longed to meet Him face to face. It was just too painful here. I hit a point where I felt so low that I didn't want to survive. I tried to make this known. I begged my dad to tell the doctors I wanted to die. He was heart stricken. I saw it on his face. He couldn't believe I would want to die - that was never me. But the pain was so intense I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I would ever walk again, and my youngest son was scared of me. He didn't recognize me. I wanted them to let me go. A nurse said they could disconnect me from everything and let nature take its course. Essentially I would have suffocated to death. This struck me! She wasn't even going to fight for me? She wasn't even going to try and convince me my life was worth living? It took me aback. I knew how I felt but I was still taken off guard that she was so willing to make it happen (especially after all the effort they had put in to saving my life). Now, it's important to say that this one nurse is the ONLY one who was willing. The rest of them fought for me. They wouldn't let me give up. This is where Jesus showed up again. He sent a wonderful social worker by the name of Kathryn to me. When I say she was wonderful, I mean she was wonderful. She moved mountains for me! She did everything in her power to bring up my spirits and show me my life was worth fighting for.
What did she do you ask?
Well, let me tell you!
She moved my ICU room. I had one in the middle of the ICU. No windows. She moved me to the corner room where I was surrounded by windows. I could see nature. I could see the sun. I could see grass. Oh these small glorious things that my God created! What pleasure it brought me. It lifted my spirits something immense. I longed to go outside. Oh, how I wanted to feel the wind on my face and breathe that fresh air! She arranged for them to lift me out of my bed and into a wheelchair and they took me outside!! Yes, double exclamation marks because that's how glorious it felt. They dismantled my ventilator and hooked me up to a portable machine to make it happen. It was very painful being moved, but it was oh so worth it! And...my hair...it needed to be washed and combed out. It had been months. She arranged that too. They made a make-shift hair wash station using a bucket under where my head lay and a few of the ladies washed my hair and combed out all the mats. They worked tirelessly to lift my spirits and make me as comfortable as possible.
Me and my dad the first time they took me outside
So you can see how much the Lord moved and equipped people to love on me, take care of me, and go above and beyond. They later asked me if they could use my picture in a promotional ad for the hospital to show how they care and the things they are willing to do for those in the ICU. Of course I said yes! You see, I was the first person they did something like this for, and now I will not be the last. So that is another small way God used my suffering to help others. Those that may come after me, will get to experience the extra care they so desperately need to keep them going. Sometimes it is not just about the physical condition, but the emotional and spiritual condition of the patient as well. And I am extremely grateful for them 💜
So remember, you may think your suffering is for naught, but you don't know how what you go through will affect another. And God can turn all things for His good.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Ephesians 1:11
"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will,"
1 Peter 1:6-7
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed."
Add comment
Comments