We told the kids. Their mom had cancer. They were only 12, 10, 9, 7 & 3. My youngest had only just turned 3. His birth was a miracle in itself. I asked the Lord, "why would you give me this answer to my prayer, this miracle child, only to take me away from him?" I experienced a few moments of weakness. I am human. God is God. He is the one I had to look towards. Only He knew the answers. It hurt. I'm not going to lie. It was a very painful thought. I think it passes through most people's minds that they may die once they discover they have the big C. It didn't make sense to me...why give me these beautiful children and then take me away from them? This is what I struggled with for awhile. It wasn't the fear of dying, more so than the fear of my kids not having a praying mother anymore. All you mother's understand. Who else will pray so fervently for your children? Who else would be willing to lay their life down to protect the ones you love? This, I had to give to the Lord. It was the only way to ease my burden and face this challenge.
After giving it to the Lord, the next destination on my journey was the chemo suite. I was to undergo 6 months of intensive chemotherapy where they would use two drugs - bendamustine and rituximab. Wait, what...6 months you say?? Yep. THIS is what I thought the Lord was talking about when He told me I was going to have to fight for my life for 6 months. I laughed. My doctor told me 6 months and I laughed with joy! She must have thought I was crazy. She must have thought, "why is this lady smiling after we just told her she has to do 6 months of chemo?" That's what I would have thought if I were her. But to me, this was confirmation from the Lord that He had spoken to me. It brought me joy. The joy of knowing I was not alone and He would see me through. Confirmation that I could trust in Jesus and know He had a plan.
Fast forward....I had a terrible allergic reaction to the rituximab. What was supposed to take 6-8 hours ended up taking a long 13 hours! Once it was determined my body did not respond well to it, they adjusted my pre-chemo medications to assist in deterring the side effects. Aside from keeping these side effects at bay, the meds made me extremely drowsy. It was hard to keep my eyes open. But as my treatment moved forward my reaction lessoned and it eventually only took 2-3 hours to complete my treatments.
Me settled in and hooked up for my chemotherapy
I'm not going to sit here and tell you chemotherapy was a breeze. It was not. We still walk through difficult things, even as believers. Even when we know Jesus, and have faith that He is with us. But, that's the point. HE - JESUS is with us. Through it all. No matter what. And that is what got me through the side effects and the scary and painful parts of chemo. If you scroll through my website you will see a section of scripture. A lot of these scriptures I share are the same ones that kept me focused on Jesus during this difficult time. I will continue to add to it as my journey progresses, and I hope that these verses will inspire you too. You can navigate to that page using the button below. And as always, if you have a particular scripture that you would like me to add please leave a comment or email me!
Now...where was I? Oh yes. The chemo suite. Let me share with you a miracle I prayed for and witnessed while I was hooked up for one of my sessions. It's the latter half of 2021. October or November. There is an older gentleman across from me. He is hooked up to his IV's and is receiving his treatment. He starts screaming out in pain. It was a blood curdling cry. His back was in extreme pain. Many of the nurses rushed over to him. From what I can hear, this happens often. I do not know if it is from the cancer or a side effect from the type of chemotherapy he is receiving. All I can hear is him crying out and the nurses not knowing what to do. They had given him all his pre-meds, he was on the maximum allowed dosage of pain medication, and yet the pain would not subside. I heard him tell the nurses he is tired of this, and it always happens during treatment. They decided to call his doctor; to ask her to come and see what can be done. I started to pray. I wasn't loud and boisterous. I didn't scream it across the room. I simply prayed fervently for the pain to leave him. My exact prayer was, "let the pain leave his back in Jesus name. Let the pain leave him, in Jesus name." This I prayed over and over from my chair across the room. About 7 minutes went by. His doctor entered the suite. She walked up to him. Just as she went to open her mouth, he stopped crying. He looked up at her and said, "I am not sure what happened but the pain just left me." PRAISE JESUS!!! THIS was an answer to my prayer. I KNEW IT. I was so overcome with joy! And to hear this man use the exact words I prayed to describe what happened to the pain was simply THE BEST. I know God answers prayers, but to see it happen in real time, so quickly and with the confirmation that it was the Lord who did it was simply amazing. Miracles happen all around. Small or big. Physical or not. God is alive and moving. Even in the chemo suite!
Me smiling the day God answered my prayer to relieve a fellow chemo-mate from his pain
My last session was in January 2022. By this time my scans showed that I was in partial remission. I still had a large lymph node in my abdomen that has not been suppressed as of yet. That was okay. I had faith. I had started to declare healing over my entire body in Jesus name. I did this every day since before I was diagnosed. I had an army of friends and family praying for me as well. I continued to look to the bible.
After my 6 months were completed, I moved onto "maintenance chemo." Is this the medical terminology for it? Nope, probably not; but this is how I describe the next phase of my journey. I began what was supposed to be 2 years of this maintenance phase. Designed to keep me in remission for as long as possible; I would receive only the rituximab every 3 months for the next 2 years. This phase of my treatment was supposed to commence in April 2024. That is not what happened.
I only made it to October 2022 before things began to go awry...
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